Sr. Elizabeth
Totus Tuus Maria
How do you put years of discernment on a single piece of paper or within a single write-up? As I was praying about it, the reality of its simplicity struck me: God called and I said, “No” until Mary softened my heart. Well, actually it was more like, God called and I said, “No.” God called again and I said, firmly, “NO!” God asked yet again and I said, “No! Marriage, Lord, marriage.” Then He got His Mom involved and asked me once more through her and I said, “Well… maybe.” Then, His infinite patience paying off, He asked a final time I answered with a resounding, “Yes!”
The first time I heard God call me was in the 5th grade. Our English class was learning how to write business letters. For our assignment, we were supposed to write a formal letter to any company in which we could see ourselves working “when we grew up”. I thought for a while on it and realized that the only thing that sounded interesting and exciting to me was being a religious sister. I really have no idea where I got that idea. My family was Catholic, but I don’t remember ever talking about religious life or religious vocations as something to consider. Nevertheless, I wrote a missionary sister who graciously responded to me. As part of the assignment, we were to share any responses we received with the entire class. I remember feeling embarrassed as I read the sister’s response out loud, especially because my friends were looking at me as if I had sprouted an extra head …with green skin. That was enough to snuff out the idea of becoming a sister!
However, all throughout my grade school years the idea of being a sister was in the back of my mind. I still heard God’s gentle voice calling me, but being the age that I was I didn’t want to confront it, so I dealt with it as any kid would - ignoring it until I couldn’t stand the tug anymore and then just yelling, “no!” at Jesus. The idea of religious life was scary and unknown and, quite frankly, I didn’t want to be called to be a sister, “did people even do that anymore?! Aren’t nuns cold and smelly and old?! Why me?!”
Then, as a freshman in high school, my mom, sister, and I took a pilgrimage to Medjugorje. This pilgrimage was crucial in my discernment. It was on this pilgrimage that Mary softened my heart to the idea of being a religious sister. Jesus knew what He was doing. He knew that getting His Mom involved was a solid move. He knew I had a soft spot for Her and He played that card well. While in Medjugorje I felt, through Mary, the tug of the Lord growing stronger, asking me to devote my entire life to Him. My response was, “Sounds great, Lord, but I can devote my life to You without wearing a habit.” But the more I said no, the more Momma Mary would speak to my heart in prayer. The more time I spent with Her, the more my heart softened to the idea of a being a sister. That pilgrimage was critical for me. Mary was the instrument God used to keep my heart open to the idea of religious life throughout all of high school.
But being the stubborn person that I am, I told God that I wasn’t going to commit to being a nun until I tasted the dating life (even though I knew in my heart of hearts that dating would not bring me the fulfillment, satisfaction, or happiness I desired, even though marriage is a beautiful and holy vocation). Humoring me, God sent a holy young man into my life. Through a youth group program I met my first real boyfriend, Anthony. He was everything I wanted in a husband (God covered His bases, making sure I’d have no doubts): he was a gentleman, generous, self-sacrificing, considerate, mature, respectful of me, always upholding my dignity, funny, desired to be a saint, and challenged me to be holier. As a cherry on top, he was also cute, too. But while we dated I felt a separation between my heart and my head. It didn’t feel right. Something was off. It was like my mind and my heart hit a fork in the road and went on opposite paths: my heart was going towards religious life and my mind towards marriage. In my stubbornness, I was attempting to lasso my heart and pull it over to the side my mind was on. I took it to prayer and (rather stupidly, since I knew the answer, I was just not willing to admit it yet) asked God what was going on. He made it very clear to me (He is so patient with us!) that in order to feel whole and in order to be at peace I was to give my entire life to Him and be His completely. Then He asked me to be His bride and to let Him love me in the ways I truly desire to be loved. “Wait, a ‘bride of Christ’? A bride of Christ? THAT is what a nun is?!” Until that point, I hadn’t understood that a nun is a bride of Christ and that realization changed everything for me. Before I thought nuns were old and
cold and “white-knuckled” their vocation. But to be a bride meant there was a depth of relationship, there was personal connection and most of all, intimacy with Him. With this realization, my heart flew wide open and everything just seemed to fall into place. My response to Him this time was a resounding and joy-filled, “Yes! Yes! Yes!”
That day marked a significant change in my heart, but it didn’t mean pursuing a religious vocation or being faithful to discerning it was easy. How could it be when it is such a countercultural decision? I definitely struggled and had my doubts. I struggled with telling people and admitting out loud that I wanted to dedicate my life to Jesus by being a sister. I wrestled with the desire for a boyfriend and that desire planted doubts in my head about the authenticity of my call to religious life. I had guys ask me out and it was very hard to say no when my heart wanted to be pursued and friends were encouraging me to “just date him!” I wanted to be pursued and wooed and Jesus was not physically tangible for me. So there were struggles. But God remained faithful to me and He kept renewing His proposal to me in various ways. I surrendered my desires and confusion and struggles to Jesus (over and over and over) and started to recognize His pursual of my heart. It was a pursual that was beyond anything I could imagine; a pursual that spoke to the very core of who I was; a pursual that was so unique and personal and always new. He knew my heart and wooed me in ways no earthly man could – and still does! With each pursual, I fell more and more in love with Him. And that love beckoned me to respond…
So thanks to the love, prayers and encouragement from His Mother who softened my heart to this whole idea in the first place, and through the love of my family and friends who have supported and encouraged me along the journey, I am here, in this religious community, living the reality of being a bride of Christ and loving it.
