Sr. Lisa Marie
You lead, I'll follow
Become an animal behaviorist, marry a rich veterinarian (found out later those don’t exist), retire early and open up an animal sanctuary—these were my life plans going into college and my heart was set on them. By the time I graduated from Rutgers University though, those plans had changed entirely. I was ready to give up everything, even my love for animals, to follow the One with whom my heart had fallen in love.
I began discerning in my junior year of college. My spiritual director had been noticing some very telling comments, such as, “I feel so close to Jesus. It feels like He is my boyfriend.” She noticed how taken I was by the beauty of a few religious sisters who walked past me at a conference and how I could barely contain myself when I was outdoors in creation, so she said to me one day, “Lisa, I think you are ready to start discerning.” Having been unfamiliar with most Catholic terminology at that point in time, I looked at her, smiled, and said, “OK! What’s that? After explaining, we decided to begin by reading “Discerning the Will of God” by Fr. Timothy Gallagher. Through this book, I began to become aware of the movements of my heart, the ways in which God was drawing me to Himself, and the ways in which He wasn’t.
Before I even finished the book, it was blatantly clear that the Lord was pursuing my heart to be His alone. For instance, it seemed as though one of my guy friends liked me, but what would I do if He asked me on a date? When I thought about saying “Yes,” my heart became very heavy and disquieted. It felt like I would be cheating on God if I went. When I thought about saying “No,” wow, my heart was filled with so much peace, joy, and excitement. As it turned out, not only was Jesus pursuing me, but He was the only one I wanted to be pursued by! Around this same time, I realized my zeal for God’s creatures had transitioned into a zeal for God’s children—namely, to help souls get to Heaven (though I still love animals a lot!)!
That spring, I went on a pilgrimage to Lourdes and Lisieux, entrusting my vocation to our Mother, asking her to lead me to the living waters of Christ. I was also drawn to St. Therese’s image of being a rose at the foot of the Cross, catching drops of blood that fell from our Savior’s hands. The cross was where Jesus gave Himself entirely for me, and I wanted to be there, giving myself entirely back to Him. God was slowly unveiling my own spirituality—the particular ways that I relate to Him. Later on, when I met our community at a conference, I saw my own spirituality reflected back in their charisms, most especially that of crucified love.
One important moment of prayer (though there were many), was about two weeks before I planned to visit our community. It happened over the course of three days. I was praying with the Gospels and tried to place myself in the scene. The first day, for most of the hour, my prayer was dry and I was distracted, but at the very end, I suddenly found myself at the bottom of the mount with Jesus. He said, “Follow me.” So I followed Him up the mount. The next day, my prayer was exactly the same: dry, but at the very end, there was Jesus and I at the bottom of the mount. “Follow me.” So I followed Him. Then I asked, “Where are we going?” He responded, “Home.” The third day was the same again, with the same conversation from yesterday. Then I asked Him, “Where is home?” He responded, “Allow me to show you where home is.” That was all I needed. It was clear to me that the Lord was in control. I didn’t have to try to “figure out” my vocation or where I belonged. He would lead me there. From then on, I began praying a simple phrase: “You lead, I’ll follow.”
When, at last, I visited our community, it was everything I wanted, and the wood relief in our chapel blew me away! There was Mother Mary at the foot of the Cross, literally pointing to the living waters of Christ and inviting me up there to be with her (check out a picture here). Yet, even with all this, it didn’t feel like home! This was very confusing for me, until God made it clear that I wasn’t quite ready yet! He gave me the image of a rose that had not yet bloomed. I was already considering doing campus ministry for two years and that sealed the deal for me.
A few months later, I found out I was accepted into the campus ministry program and would likely be sent to Florida State University. Around that time, I also received a call from Sr. Elizabeth that our community was opening a house down at Florida State to do campus ministry. Wow. OK. God knows what He is doing. I’m just going to keep following him. It was a gift to spend that time working alongside our sisters, getting to know them. Those two years were vital to my growth and maturity as a woman of God and really prepared me to enter religious life, which I did in August of 2017.
While this is a brief sharing of my story, you should know it doesn’t include everything—the daily commitment to prayer, all the little moments of prayer where God spoke to my heart, saying He wanted me for Himself and that he was going to lead me; all the moments of confusion where hurdles seemed to block the way to my vocation; all the moments of surrender, where I thought I knew what I wanted, but God had way better plans. Even now, my discernment continues as a temporary professed sister. I continue to pay attention to those movements of my heart and continue to follow the One I love—wherever He may go!
